It eez that time of year when ze people like to go to ze bitch, writes Clouseau le Chien. From all over Europe, and especially ze North, people go to ze bitches of ze mediterranean to roast.

I have yet to be convinced of ze merits of tanning, but then as a (French) Scottie, that eez hardly surprising. My question eez. Is zat how ze Rosbifs got zeir name?

This eez not, however, what concerns me. No. My worry eez about ze sheer number of people. Every time I leave my mark some enourmous red northern European comes chasing after me.

Perhaps the idea of a holiday in Northumberland is not so bad after all. Maybe zer would be less of the hoi polloi.

What I need eez an empty bitch. Empty so that I can sneef around for beaches.